Everybody Thinks They’re Right

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We watched this video in my philosophy class today and I very much enjoyed it. It’s a recording of Johnathan Haidt’s TED Talks from TED 2008.There’s a lot of good points here, a lot of good ideas. Haidt’s closing really grabbed me and I feel it’s important not only for me and the field I am in, but for all people:

“…everybody thinks they are right. A lot of the problems we have to solve are problems that require us to change other people. And if you want to change other people, a much better way to do it is to first understand who we are — understand our moral psychology, understand that we all think we’re right — and then step out, even if it’s just for a moment, step out… just try to see it as a struggle playing out, in which everybody does think they’re right, and everybody, at least, has some reasons — even if you disagree with them — everybody has some reasons for what they’re doing. Step out. And if you do that, that’s the essential move to cultivate moral humility, to get yourself out of this self-righteousness, which is the normal human condition.”

Clearance Toy Shopping

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I truly hate paying full price for items at the store. It’s not just because I’m on a limited, very tight budget (though that’s certainly part of it). It’s because I discovered the magic of clearance shopping and I know how cheaply I could be paying.

By all means, I’m not going to get in-depth with clearance “hunting” here (and, yes, “hunting” is quite applicable here. Clearance shopping is definitely a sport!). This video by TheKrazyCouponLady gives a really nice overview of Target clearance shopping and how to read their clearance labels. In my opinion, Target seems to have the best clearance sales for toys, though you can sometimes find good clearance at Wal-Mart.

For this entry I will be focusing on clearance shopping for toys (though I may cover other clearance shopping, such as kid and adult clothing, etc. if there is any interest).

As I’ve mentioned before, I’m a huge planner. I thrive on planning ahead and it’s one reason why clearance shopping really works for me.

I don’t know about other parents but it seems like my daughters always get invited to birthday parties a day or two before they take place (or it might just be that the invite sits in their backpack for a week before I eventually see it…) We go to A LOT of children’s birthday parties a year and, let’s be honest, buying presents for even a few friends a year can really add up.

After I discovered the thrill of clearance shopping (getting a good deal is actually VERY thrilling!) I created a “Party Present Stash.” When I find a really good deal on toys, I’ll buy several (sometimes setting a few aside for my daughter’s own “Present Stash,” which I will get to a moment). Since I have two daughters, the majority of their friends are girls and so I purchase mostly toys that they like, since it’s quite likely their friends will as well. I’ll also pick up a few toys that I know are popular with their boy friends (not to be confused with boyfriends! Note the space in between the two words! 😛)

When we get a birthday invite I can open up my “Party Present Stash” and have a nice selection of (cheap!) presents to choose from. It also works out well with my schedule, since I don’t have to find time to go to a store and shop. I store these items in the top of my closet, in several bags so you can’t see what they are.

Squinkies seem to be a popular toy with most girls

And at these prices, why not??

I also pick up toys on clearance that I know my daughters like but that I really don’t want to pay full price for. Since I like to plan, I’ll stock up my “Present Stash” for them with items for their birthdays, the holidays and even to be used as rewards. It does mean that you need to plan ahead but it’s worth it! I was mostly finished with my Christmas/Holiday shopping before Halloween and completely finished by Thanksgiving!

Toys such as these make good little presents or rewards. The Monster High designer tape (or whatever it is) could be used in birthday party goodie bags.

As I’m sure you can guess, I can save A LOT of money, buying toys this way. I do still occasionally purchase toys at full price but I mostly reserve that for “must-have” items (such as any new Monster High characters, which if you know anything about MH, can be quite difficult to find so you buy them when you see them.) Target currently has many toys on 30-70% clearance. Today I picked up all of the toys shown above for $40.98! All of the toys I purchased were 70% off.

In case you are interested, here’s the breakdown:

Squinkies Carousel Dispenser ——-$5.98 (original price $19.99)
Monster High Designer Tape ——– 2 x $0.88 (original price $2.99 EACH)
Squinkies Mansion Playset ———– $14.98 (original price $49.99)
Mini Lalaloopsy Pet Parade Train — $4.48 (original price $14.99)
Squinkies Princess Crown ————- 2 x $2.96 (original price $9.89 EACH)
Squinkies Scepter Dispenser ——— 2 x $2.96 (original price $9.89 EACH)
Mini Lalaloopsy doll ———————- $1.94 (original price $6.49)

Total Paid: $40.98 Total Original Price: $137!!!

I hope this inspires you to clearance shop too! It may take a little bit of extra time and planning but it can save you a lot of money and you’ll never be without a birthday present again!

P.S. Please don’t share these pictures with my kids (or yours!). The real magic of clearance shopping is that when a child opens their present they’re none the wiser…

Hope

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Hope.

Hope is the difference between despair and acceptance.

Without hope we cannot expect to move forward — we cannot even see that there is a place to move to.

If you believe that there is no possible (or impossible) way for progress, for improvement, for the ability to “get better,” there is little motivation to put forth effort in change, since change seems unrealistic.

It’s amazing how the tiniest spark of possibility ignites a fire of hope. It spreads to your perception, your beliefs, your motivation, your efforts.

Hope shines a light in the dark corners of yourself. It, “invites the possibility.” It shifts, “NO,” “NEVER,” and “CAN’T” to “MAYBE.”

And “MAYBE,” though not as enthusiastic as “YES!” shifts your perception of the world around you enough to encourage the mightily important, “TRY.”

With hope we can try. We can see possibilities. We can move forward. We can change, learn, grow.

With hope there is a future, potentially better than the present. And we can choose to try the best we can.

Hello 2013! New Year, New Choices

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2012 seemed like a long, long, long year. (Did I mention LONG?)

Like every year, it was filled with many struggles, lots of work and many choices (both good and not so good). Ups and downs. Overall, for me, it wasn’t the worst year ever. But it certainly wasn’t the best either.

May 2013 be better than 2012. May there be better choices, better outcomes, better acceptance of self & others, better expressions of love, better communication, better goals, better effort, better planning, better empathy, less judgement and better ‘trying’…

May we view 2013 as a new start, as we should everyday. The future is ours to do as we wish. Only we control our destinies – happy or sad, good or bad, progress or stalled, success or failure, hope or dismay – the choice is ours.

My own personal preference is to not make resolutions but instead focus on my (ever on-going) self-improvement and growth. One of the things I’d really like to accomplish this year is more consistent blogging. As you may have noticed, I haven’t written much in the last few months when the overwhelming time constraints, work and stress of taking five classes, completing a 15 hour/week internship and, you know, still being a mom to two energetic daughters kept me from writing.

I’m currently working on getting a que of blog posts written during my break between semesters and hope to be posting a new blog weekly, preferably on the same day each week. If anyone has any topics they’d like me to write about, suggestions, questions (or even just a hello!) I’d love to hear any and all feedback: ClearComplexityBlog@gmail.com

So, happy new year! How are YOU going to make 2013 a better year?

Just Getting By

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I have been struggling lately.

Actually, that sentence seems to be true about many moments in my life.

Like the ~~strong~~ stubborn person I am, I just keep doing what I do. I just keep plowing forward.

I keep myself overly busy.

School full time. A 15/week (unpaid) internship. Homework. Transporting kids to dance lessons, soccer, girl scouts, playdates, therapy appointments… Cooking. Cleaning. Shopping. Projects with the kids. Bathing. Pets. You know, all the day to day necessities.

When I do have a “down” moment, I fill it. With craft projects (my current project is making almost all of my holiday presents this year). With research articles and theories that expand my realm of knowledge. With television shows that provide me with escapism.

And, when everyone else goes to sleep, I stay awake. Writing poems. Organizing rooms. Folding laundry. Talking to my cats. Anything to prolong having to end the day. Because the start of a new day is exhausting.

I hold it together quite well. I get excellent grades. I’m a good mother. My house is clean.

By all standards, I’m doing well.

Only, I have no idea how I’m holding it all together.

I just keep getting by.

Maybe it’s the time of year (how I loathe snow and the cold). Maybe daylight savings time is messing with me (why is it SO dark now??) Maybe I need a break (and who doesn’t?)

Maybe, maybe I’m doing the best I can. And, after a while, the best I can just doesn’t seem quite as “best” as it used to.

Whatever the case, I’m still here (in both a literal and figurative sense). I’ve been quiet but I’m still working. On myself. On my family. On being able to help whomever I can (which I hope is many).

I won’t give up, even though I’m struggling. And you shouldn’t either.

Because some day we will do better than just getting by.

The Art of Letting Go

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I can’t seem to get P!nk’s new song “Blow Me (One Last Kiss)” out of my head and I think it’s for good reason. The lyrics are incredibly pertinent to my life-long struggle of knowing when to hold on and when to let go.

White knuckles and sweaty palms from hanging on too tight
Clench of jaw, I’ve got another headache again tonight
Eyes on fire, eyes on fire, and they burn from all the tears
I’ve been crying, I’ve been crying, I’ve been dying over you
Tie a knot in the rope, trying to hold, trying to hold,
But there’s nothing to grab so I let go

Letting go is certainly an art form. Maybe one of these days I’ll finally perfect it. Or, at least, learn when I’ve finally had enough…

National Suicide Prevention Day

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Today, September 10, 2012, is National Suicide Prevention Day. In 2007, suicide was the 11th leading cause of death for all ages. In 25-34 year olds suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death and among 15-24 year olds it’s the 3rd leading cause of death (CDC).

1 of over 200 signs created in response to why you should call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Click on this picture to view the others.

Risk factors for suicide (characteristics that make it more likely that an individual will consider, attempt or die by suicide) include:

Mental disorders, particularly mood disorders, schizophrenia, anxiety disorders and certain personality disorders
Alcohol and other substance use disorders
Hopelessness
Impulsive and/or aggressive tendencies
History of trauma or abuse
Major physical illnesses
Previous suicide attempt
Family history of suicide
Job or financial loss
Loss of relationship
Easy access to lethal means
Local clusters of suicide
Lack of social support and sense of isolation
Stigma associated with asking for help
Lack of health care, especially mental health and substance abuse treatment
Cultural and religious beliefs, such as the belief that suicide is a noble resolution of a personal dilemma
Exposure to others who have died by suicide (in real life or via the media and Internet)

Warning signs of suicide (may mean that someone is at risk for suicide) include:

Talking about wanting to die or to kill themselves.
Looking for a way to kill themselves, such as searching online or buying a gun
Talking about feeling hopeless or having no reason to live.
Talking about feeling trapped or in unbearable pain.
Talking about being a burden to others.
Increasing the use of alcohol or drugs.
Acting anxious or agitated; behaving recklessly.
Sleeping too little or too much.
Withdrawing or isolating themselves.
Showing rage or talking about seeking revenge.
Displaying extreme mood swings.

If you, or someone you care about is struggling, feeling stuck, hopeless or disconnected, there are ways to get help and support. The Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available 24/7 by calling 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline has also created a partnership with Facebook to make crisis services more easily assessable to those in need. If a Facebook friend posts something that causes you to worry that they may harm themselves, you can now report suicidal content on Facebook. The person who posted the suicidal comment will then immediately receive an e-mail from Facebook encouraging them to call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline or to click on a link to begin a confidential chat session with a crisis worker.

The purple and turquoise Suicide Prevention Ribbon symbolizes suicide awareness and prevention and serves as a reminder that suicide is an issue we need to talk about. Download a ribbon avatar and make it your profile picture on Facebook and Twitter during National Suicide Prevention Week (September 9-15). Awareness ribbons can be found HERE.

Even in the darkest, most desolate moments, YOU matter. Please, please know that there is always help and support.

The Importance of Routine

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It’s the last day of August and my oldest daughter has been back to school since Wednesday. Somehow, it just doesn’t seem “right” to be going back to school when it’s still August! August is a designated Summer month. And school and Summer shouldn’t really intersect in my opinion!

None the less, it is what it is and we are very much attempting to get back into some semblance of a routine. Getting my oldest daughter to the bus on time, my youngest to daycare and (starting on the 4th) myself to school in the morning is a challenge.

We aren’t “morning people” (do those really exist??). On school days my children would likely sleep until noon if I didn’t drag them out of bed (why isn’t this true for weekends?!). If I don’t plan my mornings I wouldn’t have any chance of ever getting out the door remotely on time. Even with planning, there are mornings when the alarm clock somehow doesn’t go off and everyone ends up frantically getting ready, rushing to be late (such as the 2nd day of this school year! Oops!)

I’ve discussed how I deal with keeping my family on schedule as stress-free as possible before. I continue to schedule everything, prep the night before and meal plan. As my children have gotten older I’ve included them more in my routine making.

This school year I gave them both checklists for their morning and evening routines. I found some magnetic dry erase boards in the dollar section of Target (LOVE Target) and modified them by putting the markers on attached strings, so they wouldn’t get lost. I had each child help me come up with their list of tasks, which we separated into morning and evening. Since they take medicine in the morning and evening, we put that task in the middle so it only had to be written down once.

By the way… the checklist on the right… the task in the middle is “take your medicine”. I know. It’s really hard to decipher and I’m not so good at drawing a medicine spoon or bottle.

For my oldest daughter, Z, (8 years old) I wrote out her tasks. For my youngest daughter, E, (4 years old) I drew pictures to represent her tasks since she cannot yet read and I wanted both my children to independently be able to read and complete their tasks. Their checklists are hung on the side of our refrigerator (a central area in our house) at their height levels so they are easily assessable to them.

Being able to check off a completed task honestly feels pretty awesome and it helps guide them in what they need to get done without me having to constantly tell them. Instead, they can look at their checklist and see what needs to be completed. If they get distracted (which happens with children, especially those with ADHD) I can redirect them by reminding them that they need to look to see what needs to be checked off.

So far, this has worked quite well and has given them some responsibility over their morning and evening routines. It also doubles as a reminder to me what they need to be doing!

That hot pink marker will jolt you awake in the morning! Or make you add “change marker color” to your list…

Of course, I decided to run with the checklist idea and made myself one as well. My checklist is hung on the opposite side of the fridge and is something I see every time I walk into the kitchen. Having tasks written down really helps keep me organized. Instead of feeling overwhelmed with all that needs to be done, I can clearly see my tasks and focus on completing them rather than figuring out what they are.

Also, checking off tasks really does feel AH-MAZING!

This is only the beginning. Of my organization, planning, scheduling and routines. Of the school year. Of the rest of my life. So if this morning doesn’t go well, I can take a deep breath and realize I can try to have it go better tomorrow.

Fear, Success & Getting Out of Your Own Way

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It’s very easy for me to lose motivation. To lose sight of my goals and aspirations. To over focus on others and false beliefs that I can change them, despite knowing only they can change themselves. To get caught up in negativity. To doubt myself and my abilities. To have many amazing ideas and, instead of focusing on one or two, half-completing or never starting any of them.

I don’t want to lose this moment and the clarity I have.

I’ve been working very hard on my education. Working to bring my GPA up so I can be eligible for Phi Theta Kappa and the potential scholarships it brings. Working to make sure the classes I take at my community college are the correct ones and will transfer to the private, four year college I want to attend after obtaining my (second) associates degree.

I’ve been planning ahead. Making appointments with advisors, program heads, financial aid counselors, transfer counselors and people at both the school I currently attend and the one I wish to transfer to. I’ve been making sure my “ducks are in a row”.

Last week I visited the private four year college I hope to attend. I had never been there before and it’s over an hours drive away. As I exited the freeway my car collided with the car in front of me. I instantly panicked. I instantly cried.

I felt that perhaps this was a “bad omen” that I shouldn’t attend this college. I felt so overwhelmed with emotion that I wanted to just turn around and go home. Thankfully, all parties were uninjured and there were minor damages to the vehicles. As many pointed out to me later, cars can be replaced. People cannot.

If I had let my emotions and fear control me in that moment, I would have gone home despite being five minutes away from the college. Instead, I was able to contain myself and keep my appointment.

I’m glad that I did. I very much liked the campus and the program I would enter. In talking with the program head, it appears that I can even complete my bachelors degree in three semesters instead of four, thanks to my ability to transfer in additional credits to the school.

Today I met with the transfer counselor at my community college and he told me I was well prepared. He stated that I had talked to all the correct people and taken the necessary steps to be set to transfer next fall. I left feeling amazing. Capable. Strong.

I am capable and strong. I have been through so much in my life but when I focus I can accomplish so much.

Last night I had a dream. I somehow totaled my car and was unable to drive anywhere, leaving me housebound. This also meant I was unable to attend school. In my dream I did not try to find alternate ways to get to my school. I simply resigned myself to never being able to graduate and achieve my goals.

I woke anxious. As I analyzed my dream I realized what was most terrifying – I had let one obstacle (my car breaking) stand in my way of moving forward. I had lost momentum and became blinded to other possibilities because I only focused on the negative.

I will achieve my goals of education. I will not let anything stand in my way. Not even myself. I so often doubt myself and make myself believe that I am not smart enough or deserving enough or strong enough.

In the past I’ve put up road blocks subconsciously. Perhaps I was afraid to succeed. Perhaps it was easier to believe that I couldn’t do it instead of seeing it through and awaiting the outcome. I often wonder how much of our “failures” we have caused ourselves.

Let’s stop tearing ourselves down and instead build ourselves up. I can do it. And, if somehow I fail, I can view my failure as an opportunity to learn from it and try again. Isn’t that really what it’s all about? Making mistakes, learning and trying a different way instead of doing the same things over and over again (especially if it doesn’t work)?

I say, get out there and achieve your dreams, work towards your goals and live your life! You are, after all, the only one who can do any of these things for you.

Asking for Help

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Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

I am going to come right out and say that I have been struggling. Recovery from my tonsillectomy was much more difficult than I had imagined it would be. Progress was extremely slow-moving and in very small increments. I had expected recovery to progress quicker and in larger increments.

I had great difficulty in being patient. Of course, I wanted to feel better right away. It was excruciating to allow myself to just be where I was – in my recovery and in a broader sense.

It has felt like I have struggled my entire life. Never seeming to “get” what I had expected. Always looking ahead to where I wanted to be. And always letting pieces of the past seep into where I currently was.

In many ways, it was easier that way. By always living in the past and the future I didn’t have to confront and deal with what was happening in the present. Avoidance is one of the oldest tricks of continued struggling.

For the past two weeks I have been in an outpatient hospitalization program. Perhaps in previous times I would feel embarrassed or ashamed by this admittance but, as I have grown wiser and gotten further in my self-progress, I can view this only in a positive light.

I knew that I was struggling and heading into a very dark place. I also knew where, historically, that could take me and it isn’t a place I’d ever like to visit again. I referred myself to the program, planning my attendance around a time of increased struggle for myself (my father’s second birthday since he passed away).

I recognized that I was in a place where I needed help – and I sought it out. Asking for help is one of the most difficult things any of us can do. We often view it as admitting weakness and exposing vulnerabilities. And yes, often when we are in a place of struggling we are vulnerable but asking for help is never weak. In fact, it’s one of the strongest things we can do. To identify that we are in a bad place and to ask/receive help is an incredibly mature and amazing thing to do.

I truly try to do the best that I can with the knowledge and resources (tools) I presently have. Most often my struggling isn’t because I’m not “trying hard enough”. It’s because I need additional knowledge and resources to help me more forward.

Sometimes my struggling isn’t because I don’t have the knowledge and resources that I need or because I’m not trying my best. Sometimes, when we are in a dark place, we can’t see the tools that we possess. It’s difficult to see anything in the darkness. Seeking out help can be a way to “turn on the light” and allow us to recognize and use the tools we had all along.

Life isn’t easy. Keeping constant momentum and living in the present moment isn’t easy either.

We will struggle. We will get caught up in the past and all the “should have, could have, would have” thinking. We will get caught up in the future and worry about what will be. We will face tragedies and heartaches and losses and disappointments. We will work to move forward a step, only to be unexpectantly forced three steps backward.

Sometimes we will be able to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and continue forward. Sometimes we will realize that we are unable to do so and, if we can find the courage, we will ask for help.

I am beginning to accept myself, who I am, and the life that I currently have.

I could spend every second of every day wishing to be things that I am not. Wishing that I didn’t have chronic, life-long illnesses. Wishing for a level playing field. Wishing things happened differently in the past… All that wishing won’t change a thing. I am who I am. I have the body I have and the mind I have.

I have the illnesses I have as well. And fighting against them will never propel me forward nor allow me to become the person I would like to be. I could be in a perpetual state of conflict and anger and darkness, fighting against forces that I have no ability to change.

I ask for help because when I’m in a place of darkness, of struggling, I cannot see any other way than to fight or to submit to the darkness. These past two weeks while I was in the outpatient hospitalization program, a light was shone on me. It was my choice to use that light and allow myself the opportunities to create my own light.

This is who I am. This is what I have. If I want anything to change I have to make that choice. And I am.

It’s quite likely that I will need help again, but I will view it not as a setback or a weakness but instead as an opportunity to grow stronger, to learn more and to make the choice to continue to work on improving myself and my ability to move forward.

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Resources:

If you or someone you know is in an emotional distress or suicidal crisis – the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1.800.273.TALK (8255)

If you are concerned about your own alcohol or other drug use or that of someone you care about – the NCADD (National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence) hotline 1.800.NCA.CALL (622-2255)

Free. Safe. Confidential. 24 Hours. 7 Days. – RAINN (Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network) National Sexual Assault Hotline 1.800.656.HOPE

If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder – the National Eating Disorders Association information line 1.800.931.2237

If you have questions about or are affected by serious mental illness – the NAMI (National Association on Mental Illness) information help line 1.800.950.NAMI (6264)