I apologize for my lack of blogging in the past few months. I’m sure I could come up with many believable excuses but I don’t want to be dishonest. I’ve been writing more in my personal paper journal. It seems to help calm my anxiety and confusion when I put pen to paper, more so than the clacking of keys does.
The much needed hiatus from Clear Complexity gave me some time to truly put into working on myself.
I am so different than I used to be. This year (2013) I have worked so hard to make my life better – for me. I am not ashamed to admit that I have stopped smoking weed, something that at one point I had believed to help me. I have severely cut back my drinking of beer to one or two a week, versus the unhealthy 3-4 a night I had been at. I have given up coffee. I have been reading books about forgiveness and emotions and compassion and self-identity [“Emotional Awareness: A Conversation Between The Dalai Lama and Paul Ekman, PH.D.” is my most current read and wonderful.]
I have purposely become a person who is a lot less numb, which was very painful at first. But over time I feel clearer, I feel better able to see the world and to accept the things I cannot change and to focus on the things I can change. I have slowly begun to work through healing myself, making myself a better person, not tying my emotions or reactions or happiness to any person or event or things.
I have clarity.
I have not had any real tangible sense of clarity for as long as I can remember.
But now that I have it, I don’t want to give it back. I refuse to.
I will continue to work on myself, to work towards my goals for myself, to work on being the best parent I can be, the best student I can be. I will continue to modify my thoughts, my actions, my reactions… I will continue to practice acceptance, forgiveness, compassion.
And I will accept that not everyone in my life or everyone that I meet is at this same place as me.
And I will treat them with compassion.
And I will forgive them for their actions that may hurt me. I will forgive them, for myself, for me. So that I can continue to work towards all I hope for.
Maybe they will be inspired to work on themselves.
Maybe they won’t.
But I can not let the choices of others continue to block the pathways I need to go down.
Now that I have clarity, I see that they truly never could.